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How Strange

Posted 2/18/2024, 5:16:00 AM - 324 views

some days we feel so, so wrong some days we feel incredibly sad there are some days we work in harmony to do something great and there are some days we do nothing at all

we split in early 2024, in order to process emotions in order to try and understand our feelings fern and mind at first. they squabbled, and made the body feel like shit. mind hated fern. this was very well-known

right then and there we had our first ever complete mental breakdown.

She did I didn't I paused it when my mom called
No ther not kde conect
Where am I?
He's lying to you! He's faking it he's telling you he! s faking it he just told you he's distracting you!!! He's lying to your faces!!! I'm not real!!
How do I explain this
Is this another ploy by my manipulator brain to rationalize what I just did or are these neuros actually divergent
I wish I didn't constantly try to tell other people I'm lying to them.
What does that mean?
Who are you?
What do you mean by that?
I don't know
I'm half aware right now
Where's the other half?
Where's the other half?
Thea
Where's the other half?
Tell me
What is it doing.

none of it was too obvious but now we know who is who.

here, we'll try to label it for you:

She did I didn't I paused it when my mom called (Fern)
No ther not kde conect (Fern)
Where am I? (Thea)
He's lying to you! He's faking it he's telling you he! s faking it he just told you he's distracting you!!! He's lying to your faces!!! I'm not real!! (Mind)
How do I explain this (Thea)
Is this another ploy by my manipulator brain to rationalize what I just did or are these neuros actually divergent (Thea)
I wish I didn't constantly try to tell other people I'm lying to them. (Thea)
What does that mean? (Fern)
Who are you? (Fern)
What do you mean by that? (Fern)
I don't know (Thea)
I'm half aware right now (Thea)
Where's the other half? (Fern)
Where's the other half? (Fern)
Thea (Fern)
Where's the other half? (Fern)
Tell me (Fern)
What is it doing. (Fern)

it was completely incomprehensible at the time, a stream of total madness came across our brain as we tried to calm ourselves down enough to not sounds fucking insane to the crisis person (which our browser ended up blocking anyway, so that was a bust.)

of course, now we have good control over our parts of the body. we have a designated communicator, ~/, and we know more about ourselves then we did before. so what happened? why did the crisis occur?

what happened

well, we can't tell you specifically why, but we can always speculate our speculation is that our brain was fighting to break itself apart, against a few strips of scotch tape that were our predisposed normative understandings of the world, how brains are "supposed to work".

after that moment, we have become more aware of what events are traumatic, or what events stress us out a whole lot.

names

we don't like it when people say our "deadname" - though we have never communicated that we dislike it, it's kind of hard to for us to do so and we don't know why. fears of disappointment, maybe? anxiety?

our previous name is wholly disliked by the system. this is something we know now. it's generic, and it wasn't even designed to fit who we were - just what our mom wanted us to be.

it turns out we are made most comfortable with inheriting the name of things we are very connected to and responsible for, like abtmtr.link. this is our system name now! this name we really like. it's not a human name, and you will certainly not catch us being called "abtmtr.link" in real life, but that's fine. it's certainly a good enough name for internet communication, however.

meowcatheorange... in 3d!

what about in real life, though? what names do we prefer out in the real world?

well, any active humanoid system member name will do. emma, thea, mind... it's fine to call us that as long as you're aware that it's not us entirely.

if you want to refer to us collectively in real life, you're SOL on that front. it's "abtmtr.link" or bust. you can also use "meowcatheorange" or what have you, but you will probably still have ants in your pants about it being one of our internet usernames. you will have to deal with those ants. no, we will not apologize. no, we will not make up a new name for ourselves.

also, what about ~/? what if we want to refer to them? well, first, consider the following:

  • don't
  • you know you don't have to
  • please just don't refer to ~/ individually

if you have to refer to ~/, it prefers you use the system name to maximize confusion and destroy context. this is because it has trauma around names.

why does it have trauma around names? same reason you may have trauma around whatever it is you recognize as traumatic.

are you okay?

we get asked this question a lot and we are never sure how to answer it.

usually, we would say, "yes, I'm OK" and that would be it. this is how most people answer "are you okay", and it's fine, if it weren't a clear white lie.

you know it. the person asking you if you're OK knows it - they just don't want to invade on your personal life because they probably know it's a lot. after all, they asked you if you're okay, not for whatever you did today.

anyway, our current answer to "are you OK" is "can't say". it's ambiguous enough to not be deceptively positive, but also not be too negative either. if you "can't say", that usually means you're going through it and still can't find an answer.

we like to find answers that delay things, whether temporarily or indefinitely. this is probably indicative of how much we dislike talking. it's all strange, and we're a bit strange about it. we guess this is just how things are right now.

apologies

sorry, we're working on it

curerent status as of writing: tired

thanks for reading